Ji is in his late teens, stylish in a black turtleneck and grey slacks. As he tells his story he becomes increasingly unhappy.
I found out I was HIV-positive last summer. I felt ill, and I suspected that this might be what it was. At first I felt afraid, and feared getting the results. Then I got the result and it was positive, and I got the confirmation, also positive. I was very sad, I didn’t want to talk to anyone, very worried. I wanted to leave here, because even when good things happen, I couldn’t work up any joy. Later, [a counselor] talked to me and I began to have a lot of faith in her. She went with me to take the test, and they told her the results also. She gave me some suggestions that were helpful. When they told me the results, she said I would have a lot of time to prepare, and that I should try to have an active life so that I can live longer. I felt a lot of sadness, but I can’t get rid of the sadness by being sad, can I? So I have tried to change my thinking. Still, it’s better if my friends don’t know. I don’t dare to tell my family. I don’t know what they would say. They are not a supportive, cultured family. They are farmers, not city people, and their thinking is a bit feudalistic.
Someone, I don’t know who, told [one of my co-workers] that I was positive. I don’t know if someone told him, or if he just guessed. One time we all went out together to eat at a barbecue stand. I was eating my own bowl of rice and offered to share it with [the co-worker] and he shouted, “No! No!” [Bu yao! Bu yao!]
In hospitals, if they know you are positive, they won’t care for you. One time, before I got tested, I felt poorly, and I went for a check-up at the Pingan Hospital, a smaller hospital. I had not been tested yet, and they started to examine me. They did a blood test, and did they test for HIV? I don’t know. I slept on a bed there one night, and the doctor came to me late at night and found an excuse; he said that he did not dare to care for me because their treatment was not good enough. He said I should go to another hospital, maybe Number Three [a hospital known to treat AIDS patients].
I left and went to the anti-epidemic station to get tested, and then I found out I was HIV-positive…When I get sick, later, I might just leave here. I don’t want to take medicine. I’ll just go somewhere far away, a nice place, and wait to die.
It would be great if AIDS patients organized ourselves in China, but to organize, we need to know each other’s status. People are afraid to say. There are many HIV-positive people in China. If we were all active, we could unite, we could avoid discrimination. But as it is, if you know your own status, you do not dare to admit it in public.
It’s very lonely, and I need to be strong.
There is one more thing, but you have to promise not to laugh at me. I don’t think I got this from doing drugs. I didn’t do drugs very much, and usually I was injecting alone, not sharing a needle with other people. I think I may have gotten this another way...
Maybe two people who are positive could live together and take care of each other. Do you think something like this could happen?
