Pascal, age 22
“I feel like I’m in a prison. I need to be free.”
When I was four or five, I first felt affection for someone of the same sex, and I felt a desire to wear women’s clothes. At home, they beat me, starting when I was five or six, because they were afraid I would be gay. I didn’t yet know what homosexuality was. They said, “You risk being like a girl, but you’re a boy.” They thought that by beating me, they could change me.
As I got older, they continued to beat me. My mother said, “If you continue to act like a homosexual, I will throw you out.” I started to closet myself, and I didn’t identify myself as a homosexual, even up to now.
I had a cousin who was also gay. Four years ago, when the family learned this, they had a meeting and decided to throw him out, to no longer consider him a member of the family. He took refuge in South Africa. His sisters have reached out to him since, but his brothers and his parents refuse. He hasn’t ever come back to Burundi. He says “You know, now I don’t even feel like seeing my family.” He has been too traumatized.
I didn’t want to risk this. I still needed my family. I was young and had nothing. But I feel at times that I’m in a prison. I think that after I’ve finished secondary school, I will leave my family. I need to be free.
Through my cousin, I heard there was a gay association, but at first I was afraid to join. I thought, if people find out, it will be terrible for my family. But the others explained that they worked discreetly and that no one would find out.
I’m glad I made this decision. I no longer feel like I’m locked in prison all the time. I can be open here. I feel it’s like a true family, of people who understand me.
I also learned a lot about homosexuality. I knew I was like that, but didn’t know it was innate for many people. I also learned about prevention, about how to avoid catching diseases that could affect us. Now I am in charge of MSM [men who have sex with men] and HIV/AIDS in the association. I give trainings and work with other civil society organizations to promote knowledge of HIV/AIDS and sexually transmitted diseases. I gave one training for male sex workers, most of whom were chased out of their families because they were gay. Many had to abandon their studies. I also gave a training for peer educators on HIV/AIDS.
I’m in my last year of high school, studying science, particularly biochemistry. I want to study medicine and be a doctor. I would love to be a doctor specializing in MSM. Here in Burundi we don’t have any health services for MSM.
For instance, in 1999 I was walking home from a club at 3 a.m. with a friend who is transsexual. On the way, we encountered a group of five thieves. We realized they were coming for us and I worried they would attack us. I ran as fast as I could, but they kept coming. I fell in a drainage ditch and hurt my legs. I was injured and it hurt, but I didn’t move. I listened as they trapped my friend Jimmy. They terrorized him, saying, “We see you often, you dress like a girl.” And then they raped him, saying “If you don’t accept it, we will kill you.”
I waited in the ditch until they left, and went home. The next night I went to see Jimmy and apologized for not being able to save him. I told him to go to the hospital and get an HIV test, because he could have caught it. He said, “How am I going to explain I was raped even though I’m a man? They could realize I’m a homosexual and I could be put in prison.” We didn’t know anything then about organizations that could help him, because our association wasn’t created until 2003.
About the penal code, I would like to say that our Burundian society is ignorant about this question of homosexuality. They know we exist in the country, that we are among their sons, but they try to ignore this and they forget there are consequences. Because of the new law in process, we are afraid to self-identify and demand our rights. And if we are forbidden from giving trainings about prevention, the rate of AIDS will increase, even though we have a program in Burundi to decrease AIDS.